Ria+Ding

Sworn Statement of Ria Ding

1. My name is Ria Ding.

2. I am the ex-step-daughter of Lana Gwige. She married my father in 1994, and divorced him in 1999.

3. Lana and I don’t see each other much. However, she and Einstein have gained a great deal of publicity since they became spokesperson and spokesbird for the National Zoo.

I am a member of Greenpeace, Peta, and the SPCA, and as someone who is deeply committed to guaranteeing equal rights for all living things, I was personally outraged at Lana’s irresponsible actions. She has essentially enslaved a fellow creature, one of superior intelligence, and now she has been rewarded for it with fame, money, and an endorsement deal with the zoo. Every time a parent takes a child to see her show, that child is watching avian slavery in action, and yet Lana earns money off Einstein’s labor!

I recently befriended Einstein. I think Lana was jealous of our relationship. Because Lana and I don’t get along, our conversations were mostly by telephone. I’m convinced he was miserable, but he is too well mannered to openly criticize Lana. Despite her cruelty, he rewards her with courtesy. It reminds us all that we have so much to learn from animals.

I went to see Lana on the night in question, but I got there too late. Einstein had already been birdnapped. I fear for his safety. We can only hope and pray that whoever took him did so to liberate him, and end his cruel oppression at the hands of his unfeeling captor.

Subscribed and sworn to under the pains and penalties of perjury.